Patterns of Narcissists in Relationships
Love Bombing
Love Bombing
Love Bombing
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists often “love bomb” their partners. This is where they give excessive praise and attention. During this phase, the narcissist is funny, kind, considerate, and all the other things you look for in a partner. They often tell you how great you are. The narcissist contacts you frequently, and spends nearly all their spare time with you. They share many of your interests. And have similar opinions to you. You begin to wonder, “Have I found my soul mate?”
Devaluation
Love Bombing
Love Bombing
Once the narcissist feels you’re “hooked”, the devaluation phase begins. A narcissist may feel you’re hooked if you’re showing signs of emotional bonding to them. Or you’re dependant on them due to moving in with them, getting married, or having children. See what they were doing in the “love bombing” stage?! Narcissists often start with subtle put downs. If you complain, they claim they were joking. They might even blame you for being too sensitive. This causes you to question yourself, and let some of these snide comments slide.
But really they’re slowly eroding your boundaries. Like the sea relentlessly pounding the rocks. They wear you down into accepting their negativity. And the comments grow nastier and more frequent.
The narcissist stops caring about your “mutual” interests. Suddenly they don’t care about your “mutual” interests. They used to love hiking around the countryside. But now it’s the last thing on their mind.
They begin to talk more, and listen less. And become more controlling.
You may kick off at your treatment, and either leave, or threaten to leave. Narcissists HATE being single, so they act quick. And return to the “love bombing” phase.
They make excuses for their behaviour – stressed at work, depression, frightened they might lose you etc. And start treating you nice again. For now.
You naturally forgive them, and enjoy being treated like royalty again. But you probably know where this is heading…
Once they feel you’re “hooked” again, they gradually return BACK to the devaluation stage.
Discard
The Hoover
The Hoover
Out of the blue, the narcissist decides they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. And they discard you. Except they won’t say it like this.
They’ll blame YOU for why they’re ending things. You weren’t showing them enough love. You’ve become too “sensitive”. You’ve changed. Etc.
But the real reason is usually they’ve found someone else. Narcissists HATE being single. So they only end things when they’ve someone else lined up. They may or may not be cheating, but they usually have something in the pipeline.
And their excuses usually involve YOU not doing enough fgor them. This is the clever part. They leave you thinking it was YOU that was the bad partner.
This causes some people to beg them to return. And promise they’ll be better. Others feel guilty ruining the relationship. And the narcissist rubs their hands. They know they can extract MORE from you.
The narcissist runs off with their new supply. But their plan is to keep you on the back burner.
Narcissists never have too many options. Remember, they HATE being single. Should things not work out with their new supply, they know you’re only a call away. And because you feel guilty, you’re likely to take them back.
If they grow bored with their new supply, they may call you. Crying how badly they’re being treated. They flatter you by saying what a mistake they made. How much better you are. Naturally many are taken in. But really they’re just using you for a fling.
Now you’re in some sort of three way relationship. And the narcissist is in the box seat. They play you both off against each other, and sit back basking in the glow of two people fighting for their attention. This is often known as “triangulation”.
The Hoover
The Hoover
The Hoover
Eventually you might be discarded for good. That’s what it feels like anyway. Weeks, months, even years may pass. But that doesn’t matter.
Narcissists have a habit of showing up out the blue. It may be an “accidental” blank text. A message. A phone call. Or even showing up at your door.
They might tell you how sorry they are for how they treated you. How they’ve changed. Etc.
It’s all lies.
They may dress it up as wanting to right a wrong. Or they’ve missed you. But the fact is they want something from you.
They may have found themselves low on supply. Or they may want a favour, such as a loan. Whatever it is, the narcissist wants something from you. Narcissists don’t contact someone to give them something. It’s not in their nature.
If you fall for their charms, then you’re likely to be suckered. They might love bomb you to get what they want. But you’ll quickly return to the discard and devaluation stage.
Over time narcissists get away with treating you worse and worse. But it’s done in a subtle and manipulative way, over months or years. Constantly flitting between the three stages. And triangulating you with others.
And just when you think the coast is clear, they hoover you back for some more.
And because they pass the blame to you, you’re never sure who’s at fault. This keeps you confused and off balance. Not sure what’s going on. Meanwhile they get away with treating you worse and worse.
Mistakes to Avoid When Divorcing/Leaving a Narcissist
Trying to reason with the narcissist
Assuming they will uphold your Property Settlement
Assuming they will uphold your Property Settlement
Are you attached to the idea of “fairness?”
Do you spend copious amounts of time trying to make the narcissist see the error of his ways, put the children first, or treat you with respect?
Narcissists are devoid of empathy and don’t believe in reciprocity, and nothing you do or say will make them change.
So stop trying to give your ex a personality transplant, and accept that they’re always going to behave in an unreasonable manner.
This will keep you off the emotional rollercoaster of toxic hope so you can live in reality.
Assuming they will uphold your Property Settlement
Assuming they will uphold your Property Settlement
Assuming they will uphold your Property Settlement
Initially, your narcissist might seem willing to uphold your Property and separation agreement. DO NOT be surprised when the cooperation stops once they get what they want from the agreement.
Some items to know: not completing the requirements is a direct violation of the agreement. You can go back to court for that and they will be considered in contempt. The items in the agreement aren’t “if they want to“ they are required by law to comply and notify the courts if something prevents them.
How do you protect yourself? Read your seperation agreement in its entirety! Ask questions on the items you don’t understand. Understand the residual costs of owning or keeping something to include maintenance fees. Allow your lawyer to read over everything!
It might seems very difficult but uphold your end of the separation agreement even if your spouse does not.
Caving to the narcissist’s demands
Caving to the narcissist’s demands
Caving to the narcissist’s demands
Your narcissist will try to bully you into accepting his terms.
If you over-accommodate in an effort to keep the peace, or just get the divorce over, you will signal to the narcissist that he or she can continue to treat you like a human doormat.
So stick to your guns and ask for what you believe is fair.
Reactive Abuse
Caving to the narcissist’s demands
Caving to the narcissist’s demands
When a victim has enough- they lash out. This is known as “reactive abuse”. Please know that crying, shouting, And screaming are a perfectly normal responses to being abused and repeatedly pushed to your breaking point. Narcissists thrive in that moment and paint you as the abuser and takes on the role as “the victim”. The Narcissist makes you appear to be unstable and uses your moment to silence you. This is difficult for the actual victim because not only do they have to defend and explain their actions, there have to explain the multitude of abuse that got them to that moment.
Overcoming The Abuse
Therapy
Self-Care and Stress Management
Self-Care and Stress Management
Seeking therapy from a mental health professional experienced in trauma work is crucial. Therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), or Psychodynamic Therapy can help process the effects of secondary trauma and develop coping mechanisms.
Self-Care and Stress Management
Self-Care and Stress Management
Self-Care and Stress Management
Engaging in regular self-care activities is essential. This may include exercise, relaxation techniques, hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and setting healthy boundaries between work and personal life.
Support System
Self-Care and Stress Management
Support System
Building a support network of trusted colleagues, friends, or support groups can provide validation, understanding, and a safe space to share experiences. However, if you have a friend that attempts to black mail you into letting the abuser back in your life, cut ties. That is not a real friend and you deserve better.
